On paper, I’m great wife material. I’m caring, sweet, romantic, adorable, reasonably attractive. But I’m also a bit spoilt, cruel when angry and I have this overwhelming fear of ending up as his trophy wife, which makes me want to be more successful than Jake, but my need for that to happen will probably end in us getting divorced because I’ll turn into a career driven bitch who puts my job before him.

He wants to be a journalist, and I want to be an actress/musician/director/poet (like Madonna but with more talent and bigger boobs). Imagine if he got what he wanted but I didn’t, I’d probably resent him without meaning to. I’d probably beat the shit out of him with every award he won before going to yet another unsuccessful audition in tears, wondering when I become the wife of someone better than me, instead of being part of an awesome husband and wife team who win every single fucking thing.

The thing is, I want him to be great at stuff, but I always need to be better, and that isn’t okay. I should just be happy for him for being successful, instead of constantly trying to outdo him at everything he does.

We don’t even succeed at the same things. I’m not trying to be arrogant but I’m a pretty good screen writer, I’m a brilliant performer, and I’m a pretty good director. I have a great vocal range, I can speak four languages, I’m an expert at learning lines, I have charisma, I have a unique look, I have everything I need to be awesome. He’s a very good journalist, he’s articulate, has a unique writing voice so I shouldn’t feel threatened there, because while I am too, journalism bores me to death, and I have no wish to be a journalist, ever. I still feel threatened though, despite the fact he’s doing something I don’t care about, and I’m doing something he probably doesn’t care about, and I’m doing great so far.

I’ve had work published, I’ve performed in some amazing venues, I’ve been noticed by great people, I’ve had a lot of interest as an artist, and so has he. I should be happy for us, but I just get angry, because I always imagined myself marrying a fanboy who’d be happy to be my arm candy at the baftas, not somebody who could compete and sometimes match my success. I know that is terrible, but part of me thinks I can’t handle being someone’s equal, or worse, inferior to the person I plan to spend my life with.

I think what bothers me is that he sometimes comes into my territory. He likes to sing, he likes to act, he has an opinion on films that goes further than “That was well good!”, he writes poetry sometimes. Those are my things. Things I want to do with my life and career, and I’m leaving journalism alone, so part of me feels like he should leave my things alone, but then I feel like a bitch, because he can do whatever he wants, and I should be supportive.

I have a year and a bit to get over my hatred of him being on the same level as me then we’re good to go.

1. tirednightlife liked this
2. about-shopping liked this
3. ladydrace said: The fact that you’re aware of these pitfalls make it that much easier to avoid them in the future. It’ll all work out, you’ll see. :o) *hugs* And you’ll win a shitton of baftas!
4. bealewithit posted this